Monday, July 28, 2014

I can't say no to love

Sitting in my basement is making me depressed. Not because it's dark, or smelly or dusty. This is the exact place where I used to sit all night and talk for hours, laugh about the smallest things that seemed like the biggest. This is where I've been spooned and kissed and loved and made to be the most important person in the universe. And that's gone now. The very person who I shared these fantasies with ignores me, is angry at me, probably wants to wipe me from his memory. All because I couldn't say no to love.

I was barely 16 when he confessed his love to me. He was 24. He was a traveling rapper with red flaming hair who could probably have any girl he wanted, and he wanted me. I had never had a real boyfriend before. I didn't know how to kiss. I barely knew how to talk to him! But I wanted to know. I wanted to know what it felt like to be held and adored and in love. On the golf course that night, I felt like my heart was beating so loud it was distracting me from thinking. All I could do was listen to him communicate his feelings and absorb. I was a sponge, full of a mysterious liquid and I liked it. This was the first time we were ever alone together...

Over the next few months, we started to have 'a thing.' It became more serious over time and we truly were falling in love. This is what I wanted. This is what I had never had before.

Time challenged us to be what we had become. Were we just friends who happened to love making out and sleeping next to each other? Were we in an open relationship? Did we want to just be together? When did monogamy mean kissing the other's best friend on her birthday? Did I want to be in a relationship at all?..

We were in a cosmic dance, I became him and he became me. We shared ideas, feelings, desires, beliefs, fears. We slept under the stars together, made love in the forest, hitchhiked across the country, motivated each other to save the world and become our best, we asked questions, provided answers. The lines blurred and my heart was tied up to all these feelings and dreams, intentions and promises. It was beauty to the point of tears. It was romance to the point of heartbreak. It was sensational to the point of bursting.

The past couple of years, my mind has revolved around him and me. What we created and what we were going to create. As we grew closer, as we discovered our similarities, marriage came into the future picture. My 17 year old mind couldn't think of saying no so I said yes. It wasn't formal or concrete, but it was spoken. It was committed and proclaimed. And if I said no, pain was inevitable, right?

How could I hurt the person who says he loves me more than anyone else in his life? How could I hurt the man who says that he has never felt as connected to anyone more than he does to me? How could I take that away from him? How could he give me the power to do so?!

I couldn't say no to love. At the beginning of this relationship, I was so innocent, so unexperienced, I didn't know what I was getting into. I had no way to conceive of what my heart would go through, how I could be shaped and molded by this man.
At that age, I wanted to be with him for the experience more than I did to be with him specifically. I had nobody to compare him with, no ideal to reach for so I had no reason to say no.
He on the other hand had plenty of past experiences, one night stands, fights, heartbreaks and sex that he knew exactly what he wanted. He knew what kind of girl he wanted to be with for the rest of his life!
I was just happy to be exploring myself, to feel this much affection and pleasure and share it with another human being.

We gave each other our hearts, but I decided I wanted to take mine back. I needed to. I can't stay the 16 year old girl who craved romance now that I know what he wants, what he is seeking, and who he is. It's not fair. I don't have what he wants, I don't want what he wants. I had to let him go so we could be set free. I need to make my own decisions, learn life lessons from my point of view and not what he had done or regretted not doing. I can't share all of my desires and feelings and beliefs with anyone! I need to give myself the time and patience to grow, to compare, to understand, to listen.
It's hard to let go of someone you relied on for so long, someone you trusted would be there for you, would be your provider.
I am still shaken and heartbroken and messy, but I'd rather be that way then pretend to be solid and strong and stable. I can't pretend that I know exactly what I want. I can't pretend to be satisfied.
There's so much in this infinite world for me. There are so many people to meet, places to visit, ideas to consider, and feelings to share.
 I simply can't say no to love.

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