Tuesday, March 24, 2015

Excuse this post

I'm fucking pissed off that I can't even cry about it. Okay I can cry, but just a little and then my fists clench up again and I get up with a fierceness that slices space. 
My sister is the source of my frustration. There's no respect for boundaries, personal space or the fact that we share the attic.
I feel like I don't belong here
I love my family, my parents, my sisters. But I can't keep comforting my older sister like I'm her mom and then expecting the same kind of loving kindness. Each time I'm met with an emptiness that screams disrespect and unappreciation.
While I was away she used my room as her storage space and energetically vomitted her chaotic doubtful energy all over my sacred temple and as I clean up after HER mess she tells me to stop what I'm doing because her and her immature 30 something boyfriend are going to have sex. And the weirdest part is she said it like they were going to have a board meeting that they planned days ago. Some stale arrangement based off of cult like fetishes, not love. 
My back hurts, I ate hummus and tortilla chips and my belly feels blubberifigle. 
The song one day plays in my mind and I feel like a hypocrite.
I'm a peaceful, spiritual loving person but right now I am in rage and flame is piercing the places along my spine that are already inflammed by food choices and toxic resentment.
Why has this pattern followed us for so long?
I feel like I don't belong here; like I won't be here very long. Like there's a haven waiting for me, a dim light ready to shine and summon me home.
But not until I pass this test:

I can handle that.
I understand that she is exploring herself and that I used to make love when she was around without even forwarning her. At least she gave me a notice, right?
It's not like she purposefully had intercourse just so I couldn't finish cleaning and go to sleep.
It's not like she knows that I had insomnia last night and I want to go to my dreamworld.

My partner and I want to live together. He can't live here at my parents house. And if I want to live with him then I better get used to not sleeping here. Perhaps this is a cosmic forshadowing of my future moving arrangements and the temporary nature of things.

I feel better. I'm still sleepy but I'm not angry.
Actually I feel inspired to look up apartments and beautiful homes and practice visualizing myself with the love of my life living in harmony near nature. Near the t station or somewhere with easy access to trasportation. Throw in a hybrid- bio diesel powered car while I'm at it..
And lots of community events that bring people together and create sustainability, connection and power to the people!


Keep shifting, keep moving, keep expressing and be still.
Blessings are on the way

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